diagnosis

and i try, i swear i try to leave this world behind me,
i'm so tired of even the notion of keeping up and waking up and doing something that requires more than a muscle.

i swear i beg everyday to god or whatever is up there watching me suffer to please get me away from this cicle of disappointment and illusion and sadness and fear,
i ask everyone but no one seems to be able to fulfill this death wish of mine,
this desire to vanish that haunts me in my dreams or when i'm wide awake,
it doesn't ever go away, it doesn't ever fade.

and it's when i'm most vulnerable that i scream the most,
that i cry the most,
that i shout to the fucking grey and monotonous skies to please let a thunder upon me so my heart can be electrified and my soul can be invaded by light,
but it's so dark right now that it wouldn't probably put up a fight.

you know the one thing that momentarily lets me get away from the world? you.
it's those 2 minutes i spend with you when i'm able to concentrate and laugh at your jokes that the dark in my soul feels weakened but there's no thunder right then and there to power it up so after 2 minutes my mind succumbs to the black again and i start to get paranoid,
the cars look like war machines,
the people look like greedy insects thriving to get everything they want no matter how they do it,
the grass looks like evil plants waiting for their next prey and you.. you still look like you.
i can't focus on your face,
i can't even tell if you're really there,
but there's this static image of you that just stands by, looking at me with a smile from cheek to cheek.
you're not moving but i don't really need you to,
everything else looks desintegrated but your warmth and purity linger on and i just scream.. but you're still there.

and then i pass out and wake up and i'm laying on my bed,
restrained by my feelings and these nasty chains that prohibit me from moving but you.. you're still there, the static image of you..
it's smiling..
and i'm smiling too.